Today is 26th June 2023. I have to pay the house rent on the 1st. Last month's rent is also pending. I have no money and no job. I leave the house everyday by lying to my family that I am going to work but I am sitting in a deserted place and getting entangled in my business. There is a war going on inside me which I am fighting with myself. In this war, my opponent is myself and my enemy is also me. If I lose in this war, it will be my defeat and if I win, it will be my victory. There is a war of questions going on inside me and I am not even able to try to get out of this war and I am continuously getting trapped in this war. It is 12:00 noon and I have smoked about eight cigarettes. There are many people sitting at the tea shop. Some are smoking cigarettes and some are drinking tea. All this is unknown to me and I am also unknown to them. We are sitting at the same place but still we are unaware of each other. People are coming and going. I am sitting there and watching people. As I come and go, I am seeing the war going on inside me. I am unable to understand which way I am going. There are four-five people sitting in front of me who are talking about a person whom I do not know. They are saying good and bad things about him. Maybe he is their relative. He also does not do any work like me and stays at home all day. They were saying good and bad things about him. Then I thought that my family members also think the same about me because the world only thinks bad about the person who does not have money. Sometimes I think what is lacking in me. I always obeyed my parents. I respected my relatives. I never spoke in front of anyone. I never abused anyone. I never fought with anyone. Still nobody sees these good qualities of mine. I think that these are not good qualities at all. People only see money. No matter how bad a person is. People praise only those who have some work or who have money. Now I have neither any money nor any work. So people Why would they know me and why would they praise me? Then after listening to those people, I felt that maybe this is the reason why I am getting away from my family because I don't have money. My family doesn't need me. My family needs money. If I had money, my family would respect me as much as they respect my other brothers. No one can see only good and it is not necessary to be good. What can you do by being good? What do you get by doing good for four people? Such thoughts started arising in me. Then those people said that no one respects without work. People respect and honour the person who has work. An empty mind is the devil's home which takes a person on the wrong path. After listening to this, I started thinking that if I start doing some work, then such thoughts will stop coming in me and all my problems will end because working will bring money and with money my family will be happy. Then all the problems will go away automatically and the biggest problem is that the questions arising in me will stop. When questions stop being raised, the search for their answers will also end. Thinking that my life will become easier, I took out my contact list on my mobile to look for work and started talking to people about work. I also searched for jobs in my area on Google, but when I did not find any, I did not come out of my questions but I tried to divert my mind to something else and started wandering here and there in search of work. At 8:00 in the night, I reached home and sat down to eat. Then my wife told me that the landlord has asked for rent, that two months are about to complete, how long will you pay the rent, this will not work. I need rent every month to pay the installment of my house. If you cannot pay rent every month, then vacate the house. My troubles increased and I became more upset and went to sleep. My daughter came and slept beside me, but I could not sleep at night. The same thoughts started coming to my mind again and I started thinking what will happen to me and what will happen to my family. This was the first time that I was a little worried about my family. This never happened before, but then I explained to you that it does not matter, I will look for some work again and everyone Thinking that everything will be alright I went to sleep but who was going to sleep, again the same questions started coming to my mind that money is everything in life, without money there is nothing in life, will I ever be successful in life, can I do something in life that people will remember me even after my death, will I ever be able to keep my family happy, will I ever be able to keep myself happy, I kept getting entangled in such unresolved questions and I do not know when I fell asleep, I did not even realize.
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