It was around 3 o'clock in the night. I had woken up. I removed my mobile from the charger and thought of checking it for a while but I did not feel like it so I put the mobile on the bed and lay down and started thinking about something again. I had a lot to sleep on but my thinking is like an ocean. No matter how weak it is, there is no shore. There is only water all around like an ocean. The same question of despair and hopelessness was arising in my mind again that should I tell the truth to my wife that I do not have any work right now or I will arrange money from somewhere but who will give me money? Neither do I have any friend nor do I have any relative from whom I can ask for money. I know very well that I do not have money and neither is there anyone who is going to give me money. On top of that, I got a call from the landlord yesterday and he has clearly told me that this will not work. You should vacate the house. I knew my situation very well that my condition is like a beggar, yet I consider myself a king. This is the biggest mistake of a human being that even without understanding the situation, we consider ourselves something else. We think that we have a lot of things and pretend to the world that we have a lot while in reality we have nothing. My condition is worse than that of a beggar because the beggar knows that he is a beggar but I do not even know that I am a beggar while I know that I am nothing more than a beggar who always tries to ask for something from someone. It is not necessary that the one who asks is a beggar. The one who has the desire to ask for something is also a beggar because a person is not a beggar by clothes and body but is a beggar by heart. The person whose mind is set on begging is not a beggar. What else is he? I know very well that I do not have anything but still I am doing everything for show or I can say that I am not doing anything for show. Whatever it is, whatever it is will be seen. Thinking this I am trying to sleep but I am not able to sleep. I am turning from side to side but I am not able to sleep. This sleep is also very strange. It is an important part of our life, if it comes in excess then it is bad and if it does not come then it is also bad, sleep gives rest to the brain, it stops our imagination power, but sleep is very important for both our brain and body, what should be done when one cannot sleep, I searched on my mobile, many things were mentioned in it, I read them and then switched off the mobile because not even a single thing reached my brain, then I started thinking about something like this, some poems started resounding within me, I am very fond of writing but the biggest problem is that I want to write but I do not have much knowledge of the language, my mother tongue is Hindi but my Hindi is very weak and I have nothing to do with English whereas I always wanted to learn English but have not been able to learn it till date.
I don't know what will happen to this life, is it ending or beginning
Who knows about this life, even life itself doesn't know about life.
Whom should I ask what life is? Who told me what life is?
If you get life, then ask it what is life
There is silence of death everywhere, life is nowhere to be seen
How to find life without life, how to ask death about life
How do I ask myself whether I am dying or living every moment
To whom should I tell my pain, no one knows
To whom should I tell my sorrow, no one understands
I am a stranger to myself, whom should I call mine
I am mine for my own people, but I am a stranger to myself
If one could not be mine, how can he be mine for others
Who will understand my pain on this earth
If no one could be mine for the earth that gave us everything
If no one could be mine for that earth, will anyone be mine
I am a trader of the world of dreams, I deal in dreams
One day I will fulfill everyone's dreams, then I will fulfill mine
A day will come when there will be peace in the whole world
The wind of peace will blow everywhere
The world of peace When the world is established, then human life will understand life
Then I will be able to belong and maybe someone will understand my pain
In this selfish world, whom should I call mine, whom should I tell my pain
Who knows what will happen next, I just know this
A day will come when every mother will want a child like me
I don't know what all thoughts are coming up in my mind and meanwhile the milkman called me, my wife got up and went to get milk, she brought milk and made tea and my wife and I sat together and drank tea. My wife told me that the kids have two more days, the month will end, when will your payment come, the landlady has said twice to pay the rent, I said that the money will be arranged, my payment will come by the 30th, but I knew that the money is not going to come from anywhere, I got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up and sat there and tried to look inside my mind, then some sound started coming from the thing, my attention started going towards it but the sound was not clear and I also had some pain in my stomach, due to this I did not pay much attention, on top of that there were mosquitoes in the bathroom, they were also disturbing my concentration, I would have sat down to sleep some more in the bathroom, when the girl called out that she also has to go to the bathroom, you come out quickly, I was about to come out and get lost in my world again, my wife again started the same tune that when will the payment come, I will go before that I was saying something when the call came. After sitting for a while, I got up and went to take a bath. When I went to take a bath, the Bhabhi who lived in my neighborhood came home and I thought this was the best opportunity to go out of the house. I quickly took a bath and got ready, had breakfast and went out. I again went to the same tea stall and sat down and started watching my mobile. It was very hot today, that's why I did not sit outside the shop but sat inside. There were many people sitting in the shop to have tea, some were smoking cigarettes and some were just passing time. I had no work and nothing to do, so I sat there and started smoking cigarettes and started watching some videos on my phone.While watching videos, one video I saw told that an empty mind is the devil's workshop. When you have no work, you only have thoughts and those thoughts trouble you. It is better that you do some work so that useless thoughts do not arise in your mind. I liked this thing, so I started talking to some useful people on my mobile, but then the same thing. Someone said that he will tell after some time. Someone said that there is no vacancy. This way I also started getting restless. On the other hand, the biggest problem was that I had to tell my wife that I do not have work and I have not been able to arrange money from anywhere. It was also necessary to tell this so that she could arrange money. The whole day passed in this dilemma after telling my father. It was 3:00 in the evening. I left for home and after going home, I ate food and then slept. At 6:00 in the evening, I went out of the house and again went to the shop and sat down. Again the same thoughts were arising in the mind. What should I do? How should I do? I started getting information about the medicine by searching on the mobile phone. I called some people. No one gave the right answer. Now I knew one thing that the thoughts that arise in my mind are just thoughts, they have no importance, it is wrong to think too much about them. Now I have to work and earn money so that I and my family can live our lives happily because in today's time money is everything. I did not like this thing but I had no other option except to accept it. I wanted to do a lot in my life but at this time my life itself had become my biggest problem. I did not have money even for food while I am sitting with my family. On the other hand, people have so much money that it is more than their need but they hesitate to ask for money from anyone because in today's time no one gives money, neither relatives nor friends. Even after knowing this, I hesitate to extend my hand in front of anyone. I was sitting with my mobile in search of work so that I could get some work from somewhere but I did not get any work, maybe because right now I am not fully ready to work because it is said that where there is a will there is a will. It is 8:00 in the night, my wife called and I told her that I am out for some work. I need time. In this way it was 11:00 at night, my wife called me and started shouting, I came home at night, my wife was very angry with me, she asked me clearly that what work do you do, I want to know right now, then I told my wife that I do not have any work, for the last two months I am not going to any work, due to which I do not have any payment neither to pay the tenant nor to the shopkeeper, my wife got angry and she started shouting louder, she said that a useless man like you is my husband, this is a matter of great shame for me, it is better that I should go somewhere and die, my luck was bad that you are my husband and she started shouting, I tried to explain to her that I want to do something but I am not able to do it, but she was not ready to understand, I felt that I should tell my wife once what I want to do so that she supports me and today was the time when I had to tell something to my wife so that she can understand me, I told my wife that I want to do something, then the wife got very angry and she was not listening to me. She was not ready to do anything, she started crying and shouting that my luck is ruined, I am ruined, you cannot do anything in life, you have ruined me. Thus she started crying, then we had some conversation but she started getting more angry and she slapped me, I did not get angry and she fell asleep while crying, I also turned my face to the other side and slept, neither she was able to sleep nor I was able to sleep, after some time she asked me what do you want to do, then I thought that maybe this is the opportunity, I should tell my wife what I want to do and what I think, then I told my wife that I want peace to be established in this world, no person should be poor, every child born on earth should go to school and become a responsible citizen of human society, terrorism, Naxalism, casteism, religiousism should end from the world, every person should live his life happily and joyfully, peace should be established in the world, atrocities against women should end, every woman should become self-reliant so that the crimes against them can end, human society should be re-established A society where every person is provided with proper opportunities for his development. Every person living on earth should get two meals a day. No person should remain poor. Every person should have his own house to live in. Every person should have proper employment according to his ability to run his house. Every child should go to school and get education. There should be a government at the global level to protect the freedom and rights of every person. My biggest aim is to make the whole world one country. One earth, one sky, one air, one water, one country, one citizenship, one constitution. This is the biggest aim of my life and I want to do this but I am not able to see any way for this. I am wandering here and there in search of this way. I want peace to be established in the whole world so that nature and all the living beings living in nature can be protected. Environmental pollution should end. Problems like global warming should end and there should be development of the entire living world along with humans. There should be peace, happiness and joy all around. This is the aim of my life and I will do this one day. My wife was listening to everything peacefully at first. I thought she would understand my feelings, but the opposite happened. She went mad with anger. She started telling me that I have gone mad, how can an ordinary person change the whole world when there are so many big leaders in the world, there are so many big presidents, even they cannot change the world, how will you, an ordinary person, change the world, how will he change the world who does not have money to eat, you have gone mad, you need to get treatment from a doctor and she started shouting at me, she started shouting at me so much that even the people around woke up, there was chaos in our house, she told me that I don't know, I have to pay the house rent on the 30th, you do anything, I am fed up with you, I will call my father tomorrow morning and go to my parents' house, I cannot live with you anymore and I will also tell this to your parents that your son has gone mad, I cannot live with him for long. Getting up, she made tea and kept it as usual. We did not sit together and have tea, she did not respect my feelings, on the contrary she called me crazy. I understood that my wife will never understand my feelings. She called her father but he did not tell all this. He just told me that he has no work and he goes out for the last two months and comes back home after roaming around. He does not do any work. I got upset. Then my father-in-law said that we should go back to the village. When you have nothing to live and eat with my parents, why should you stay here? He said that we should go to the village. My wife also agreed that we should go to the village but I did not agree with this. I told my wife that I will find some work but my wife was not ready to talk to me. Now I had no excuse to go out. I thought my wife would agree with my thoughts and be proud of herself that her husband has such a big thinking, who thinks about the welfare of the entire human race as well as the entire living world, but my wife thinks only about herself. I am sad about this. This did not happen, I thought, it doesn't matter, her thinking is so big that she cannot think of all this. Today the atmosphere at home was disturbed the whole day. My wife did not talk to me. I tried to talk to her many times but she did not talk to me. Then it was decided that we will go back to the village and vacate the house. My wife told the landlady that we are vacating the house. She also told the landlady that my husband has no work and he is just passing time for the last two months. I searched for a job on my phone. I found some jobs but nothing worked out. Then suddenly I got a call for a job. The Rajasthan government is building a refinery project in Pachpadra near my in-laws' house. I spoke to my father-in-law and asked him to find out if it was right or not. My father-in-law said okay, you come to Balotra and meet them. I went to Balotra the next day and spoke to them. They gave me a job as a security guard because the officer there was a person from our community who knew me well. Now I am getting a salary of Rs 16,000. I got the job as a security guard, but I had to live in my in-laws' house, which I did not want because I always liked my in-laws very much.
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